This day has been a whirlwind of emotions for me....confusion, frustration, annoyed, hopeful, dreamy, motivated, inspired, sad, lonely, etc. I've just felt a lot of stuff today, and I think I tried just about everything to combat the bad stuff out of my life.
Awhile ago (somewhere posted in this blog), I finally "grew" up as I learned to
speak to the storms in my life. So, I think I had that down. Still, I felt empty as a person. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, read the Bible, prayed to God (
What is going on? Take this pain away, please! Show me what you want me to do, and I'll do it! What do I need to be doing today?), thanked God in the midst of my feelings, and still....emptiness.
You ever have those moments where you feel so alone, and you wonder if God is even hearing you? Well, today was one of those moments. I've felt this way several times, and I've even heard positive sayings such as: When God is silent, He's really working. However, I was not trying to hear that. I just wanted my emptiness filled ASAP, my joy back, and the ability to go on with my day
not feeling so glum.
My emotions and feelings were all jumbling around, birthing from many different things. I was sad that I didn't have many friends (I know less is more, but...). I was upset that I failed once again in attempting to walk in my purpose yet. And I guess I entertained the hidden fear that my college years would be worthless because I might not land my dream job after graduation; I may still be serving up chicken in my hometown. (Still a job, but we go to college to be more, right?) Then, a little little
little part of my being was thinking that a significant other would make me feel SOOO much better! But I know better than that; my self-discovery issues would still be there, and one day I would just be caught in a mid-life crisis or something....putting another human through the ordeal of trying to figure
ME out. ~And as I write that, I realize that it's better for me to be single
right now after all. Know thyself.~
And then another breaking down moment occurred.
Ever since 2006, I feel that I'm supposed to have written this fictional book based on real-life circumstances in my life. I can't believe it's been 5 years! Man, I'm one disobedient kid...smh! lol...I literally think about writing this story and/or others
every. single. day. People and their problems inspire me. Especially those in relationships. I have movies playing in my head all the time, with dialogue and fictional (based on real people) characters. I see how stupid TV/movies are today, and I'm inspired to create that
real stuff again.
However, a dream is just a dream unless put INTO ACTION.
Faith without works is dead.
So, I haven't written stories forreal forreal IN YEARS! I've done a little brainstorming, started a paragraph or two, but nothing serious since I was younger. Writing stories was my hobby. I did it almost as much as I played Barbies or with my stuffed animals. And I think that was one of the factors that led to my writing. Playing with toys required imagination, and writing required you to merely extract stories from an endless pool of creativity and imagination.
Tonight, I actually mustered enough courage to actually go for it. A part of me is a little scared to begin, for whatever reason.
I'm just gonna do it already. It eats me up inside everyday anyway. This could be my breakthrough, I thought. So, I get my notebook and pen out. I write a few phony little sentences out my head, and it sounds so stupid to me. So I quit. Just like that. I got frustrated, and I wondered if God had taken that gift away from me since I procrastinated too long to obey Him. I mean, 5 years is a long time to live under a wing of disobedience. Then, I felt Him speaking to me. I've included a portion of what I heard. I think some of what was said can apply to YOU and whatever situation you find yourself in today:
Crawl----> Walk----> Run
Research the craft.
You were only 7.
Order before you establish something.
Your room and bathroom are chaotic.
Habits, chaotic. Life, chaotic.
You're looking for someone to complete you, but only I can do that. Just trust me. I will bring it to pass. There's no formula that will better your chances. I speak, you listen. Order. Organization. My glory. I AM. Learn a little more. Don't give up so quickly. It's only been 2 minutes. Breathe. Listen. Remember. I will do great things through you if you let me. Don't put me in a box. You think you have it figured out, but that's your problem. You need to trust and believe. These may not be the best days, but the days will be glorious one day. Patience. Faith.
I've felt the need to give to someone, but I didn't know what to give. Tonight, I give my words. And hopefully, that will spark something inside you that was on the brink of dying. Be encouraged.
