Yea, it's almost 2 in the morning. Feeling some type of way about love gained and love lost. They say it's better to have loved once than to not have loved at all. But at what cost? Love never fails. I loved hard, and it got thrown back in my face. Yerp, same guy/same situation (if you've read previous postings). I just realized it's been almost 3 years since we broke up...someone tell me WHY I'm still dealing with this?! Why won't my heart let go?
Soul tie's got a hold on me? Errr...hope not. And it's not even all the time I'm feelin this way. Just on those random moments when we talk. But, nah you don't understandddd....I had this amazing convo about life with him last week and it felt like we were just two teens again. Two teens in love planning a future that we didn't know would never happen. It would only be alive in our hearts and minds.
And the way he looked at me last week. He intensely stared at me, smiled at me, played with my natural hair, laughed like I was the funniest girl in the world. We could talk about anything. I just tried to regain that again for just one moment. Just for one moment I wanted to believe that he was the one--my one. It felt like 2007 for a second, and I gotta admit that's been the best year of my life to this day.
After awhile, I had to snap back into reality. Realize that he just told me that he was in an on-and-off relationship with the same chick that tore us apart. It was in the off stages I guess now, but who knows? He proceeded to tell me bout her and how she wasn't me. Of course, he made me seem like the better catch. But were those just words or a cry for help that he regretted any and everything wrong that he ever did to me? Either way, I felt flattered and left that day feeling giddy. I kept thinking that one day he was gonna see the God in me more clearly and want that relationship for himself.
I invited him to my church's play yesterday. He's not a big church goer, so I thought he would be more drawn to coming to some form of ministry appearing as entertainment. I was expecting to see him walk up to the altar for salvation or prayer afterward, but no sign. No him. I was bummed. I felt down mentally and spiritually.
Then it's like we had been texting/talking daily for a bit, and all of a sudden he was MIA. Did I play the fool again? I don't wanna be in this cycle anymore. I'm drained of getting my hopes up. I don't understand how I can "love" a guy so much, when he can be so UNlovable at times. I see so much potential in him though. I'm reminded of how Jesus loves us, when we do Him wrong so much. I've asked for God to remove all people, places, and things that aren't meant to be in my life. He's removed a lot of it, but this dude remains. I wonder why. It's frustrating....good night.
If you want me, you'll chase me. I don't have to prove anything anymore. <==
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