So I would consider this to be a little personal. But not extra personal by some standards but a bit more than I usually share. Quick question to think about: Have you ever not believed in yourself??? I know I have! Let's talk.
So I have lots of pastors and ministers in my family. Some who were before my time but who left a huge legacy. One of the biggest legacies would be my uncle Reverend Adkins who built and pastored a very large church in Richmond, that's still there today. I remember hearing people talk about him as a young child but never thinking of it that way, not realizing that a legacy is something all of us should aim to leave behind for our children, grandchildren, etc. With that being said, every person's calling is important. Although God is the one who puts certain gifts in us, we ultimately control how much of it we accept and submit to.
Growing up, I would always dream about speaking to people whether in a large room or on a stage. But in my mind I remember waking up thinking, "I'm horrified of speaking in front of large groups so that won't happen." It even got to the point that I would "practice" in front of the mirror. I often hear singers say that sung in the mirror and used a hairbrush like a mic. Well I did the same thing, only I wasn't singing (well sometimes lol) but mostly I was speaking. I don't even remember when I started doing that. It literally goes back as far as my recollection.
At that time I didn't completely understand callings and gifts. I thought I was just destined to have a fear of speaking and by pretending to speak to people I was just in a way,experiencing what would never happen. Thinking about it now, I'm shocked to comprehend the level of doubt I had within myself. I remember people who knew my family always saying, "preaching is in your blood." I would always laugh it off but in my mind I was thinking, "No, not I!" Sometimes at my family's church, I would feel obligated to do things. My heart wasn't truly in it but due to pressure and wanting to have a good presentation and not embarrass my family by being so uninvolved, I would do what they asked only dreading it the whole time.
But the closer I became to God, the more desire I had to speak. It's weird to describe but I literally felt like I would burst. I don't even know how to explain it but sometimes I wanted to grab a mic and GO IN. haha It got to the point that I was consistently going to God asking Him what He was doing inside of me. I just knew that things were changing and I was not the same ME anymore. It was the most exciting but scary feeling I had ever felt. Was it possible that my biggest fear was ultimately my highest calling?
I've written poetry all my life. Actually wrote my first when I was like 2. (Funny story actually. If you'd like to know, ask me. Kind of off topic here lol) But it took me a while to get the courage to share them. But when I did and people would actually tell me they NEEDED to hear it, I remember being shocked. All those years I had believed that voice that told me my words had no use and no one wanted to hear them. Of course now I know that was the enemy but I was ashamed I doubted a gift that God had given me and I submitted to doubt instead of faith. SMH
But people were telling me all this stuff about ME. People who didn't even know me. A pastor in Chipotle, a man in the Barnes and Noble checkout line, a lady in the grocery store all seemed to have knowledge of something inside of me that I didn't even see in myself. Why didn't I put all of that together before? Maybe because I couldn't handle it or maybe it was because my mind had yet to be renewed, I don't know.
Then I signed up to do poetry at an open mic. I actually believed that poetry was all the speaking God really required of me. I was so nervous, even thought about not doing it because my nerves were getting to me. But the poem was about fear and that's what convicted me. No way was I going to cause fear to keep me from doing a poem about fear! How contradicting of myself lol I HAD to do it, so I got up there and said this, "False evidence appearing real. Courage is often the first thing that the enemy will steal. If he can chain your lips you'll keep them zipped. And he will use you like an actor who is too afraid to read their script. I did not struggle with just common nerves, but my biggest fear and largest dread was the use of my very own words. Insecure thoughts cascaded my mind...." (Silence)
I FORGOT MY WHOLE POEM!
A poets worst nightmare right?? WRONG! I was ALL in the flesh when I got up there. I was still nervous and my mind was jumbled with the words of my poem.I hadn't completely submitted to the holy spirit. I just wanted to do the poem I practiced and get off the stage so I could say I did it through my nervousness. But I've heard that you see what's inside of you when you're under pressure. God knew that and when I stood up there needing God to rescue me from the faces of the people I stood in front of, HE did. The moment that my mind was cleared of everything was what God needed to really use me. Although the poem was good, God used that to get me up there to finally show me that I was never wasting time by practicing all those years to speak to people, but that I was being prepared. I needed to believe in myself in order to go further. He knew that if He gave me a poem on fear, my conviction would be to great to allow fear to keep me off the stage. And when I submitted my mouth to the holy spirit and He began to flow through me, I encouraged myself. All my life my fear was being on a stage. But when I finally was FORCED to get up there, while looking at the people, all I remember thinking was"this is where I'm suppose to be."
I finally believed the prophecies. I finally realized that all that fear and self doubt was bondage that the enemy specifically assigned to me to keep me from knowing who I was. Although I don't remember 95% of the things I said on stage that night, I remember seeing the faces of people that I knew. All of whom had open mouths and shock in their faces. I remember one person saying that clearly that was the holy spirit. And I agreed. That night when I got home God started to speak to me and all I could do was cry my eyes out. I remember feeling so ashamed because I truly didn't believe my words had power and told God that I just DIDN'T KNOW. And I remember hearing Him say, "Yes you did! But you allowed Satan's voice to be louder than mine." WOW.
So it all makes sense to me now. My dreams, my desires, the prophecies, the "practicing" and mostly MY FEAR. Fear comes from the enemy. It only makes sense for him to attach fear to something that was a threat to him. Who would've thought?! God never intended for me to be silent. I realize that because I didn't believe in myself, God forced me to see some of the things I had been asking Him about. He has a sense of humor eh? I'm sure He was like, "So you're afraid to speak in front of people huh? Let's get you up there and see what you do under pressure." lol I'm glad He did though.
In order to truly believe in yourself when you're stuck in fear, first you must ask yourself, what is the root of fear? Answer: the enemy.
I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHAT I WAS CALLED TO DO. ONLY DIFFERENCE IS NOW I FINALLY HAVE THE FAITH TO BELIEVE I CAN DO IT! Just the beginning...
No comments:
Post a Comment