Everyone Has That Thing...

Hey peeps!


Just letting you know: 1) I have no idea how all my thoughts will flow together tonight/this morning (whatever), 2) I don't know how long this posting or my future postings will be; I will not hold back if I'm in a writing mode. This is pretty much my active journal right now... 3) I started this posting a couple nights ago but never finished it, so my views/thoughts may have changed (but I enjoy blogging and seeing my progress)


I have a bad habit. Like really bad. Like it's a sin, bad. lol...k not really funny. *serious face*


I believe only 1 other person (other than God) knows about it. I'm not going to tell you what it is, and we're definitely not making it a guessing game. [maybe once i get totally set FREE from it :) ]  I don't even know if you can classify this as a "habit," since it's not an everyday thing.  I usually go a couple months, sometimes even 6 months without doing it. But I feel horrible after doing it, like I had the power to not go through with it but...I gave in anyway. smh.


That's what happened twice this week. I did the deed TWICE.  I felt so ashamed, like I let God down.  I mean, God is who I aim to please.  I don't know about you, but when I knowingly do something bad...I just hurt for a little bit (sometimes a couple days) with shame and guilt.  I sometimes cry, and I don't feel worthy of any good thing.


I must've did that thing earlier this week, because I kept thinking about it for a couple days.  It felt like a "sadness" spell was coming on---one of those things where in my mind, living & dying are equally the most scariest things EVER at the moment.  I was also inching towards sadness because if I had stayed in college at ODU doing a regular 4-yr plan, I would be graduating next Saturday with a degree in my hand.  Sigh.  On top of that, wonders of the End Times are going on in the world---tornadoes and bad weather everywhere. I just have a STRONG desire for Jesus to come back and take away all this indescribable pain and mental crap that floats in my head from time to time.  I want to be in Heaven...like yesterday! haha...there's just too much going on around and in me that I don't understand.


Sometimes I wish I was born in the 60's or 70's, so then I would have lived a good portion of my life already. I'm 21, and I've heard these are supposed to be the greatest years of my life.  But they're ok...I guess.  I'm sure I'll appreciate it when I'm older.  I feel that I don't fit in with this generation.  I LOVE: old school music, life without SOO many gadgets to pull us from the simple life, life when the young people respected their elders, life minus the extreme violence, life with morals and values, etc.  Like seriously, I sometimes feel like I don't belong in this generation or world.  But I know that God knows what He's doing, and He has placed me here for such a time as this.  I'm just waiting to figure out where He wants me.


Anyway, back to that thing I do...that bad habit I do from time to time.  I really need to stop it; even though it gives an instant gratification, I feel as if I silently suffer that day and a few days after.  I believe it is a way for the enemy to get back in my thoughts and aim to control my mind.  I've learned that the devil goes after the weaker people.  I'm not saying I'm weak, but I'm not the strongest Christian around.  I am learning; and as I always say, this is a process.